Was it playing ghar-ghar, the make-believe game of home, family and innocence? Was it the stereotype of my upbringing? Was it the stereotype of the world of Mills & Boons books that I immersed myself in from the age of 11?
I don't really know but the idea of the imperative of being married and having a family, having children, seized my mind from a young and very impressionable age. My growing years were marked with disturbances at home and the need for my own family grew stronger. I don't exactly recall when it tipped over into neediness. But surely it did.
Finding love became the big quest of my life. I looked for romantic love and someone to cherish me from my teen years. Yet, there was an immaturity in tackling my own emotions, and I never cherished myself. Time became unforgiving of my wrong choices and acquainted me with its offspring, regret. The incompletions left a painful imprint on my mind and life. And I started feeling less than others around me. Less than a socially stamped 'normal'.
Was it my robust Punjabi spirit that kept me going and always kept me hopeful of finding love? Was it just a natural in-built doggedness? I refused to give up on my dreams even with the passage of time and years. Even decades. And irrespective of what the voices outside said. Yes, it was painful to hear them and their harsh barbs. But somehow I had the strength of mind to hold on my dreams for my life.
I had to heal and to let go of the past, with its many mistakes and downright abuse. When Vunita Sarrin introduced me to the practice of Nichiren Daishonin's teachings, it became my watershed moment. I learnt to let go and to forgive. I learnt to heal. The writings of Dr Daisaku Ikeda and the support of the Sangha prodded me to reflect, to change and to become empowered in living my life. I learnt that the first and most vital relationship that needs to fall into place is the one we have with ourselves. We are priceless sparkling treasure. When we learn the skill of cherishing ourselves, a world of possibilities unfolds.
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